When I was younger, if I developed an interest in anything at all, my paramount objective was keeping this information secret from my parents at all costs. Once, when I was about six, I wanted to read the comics page in the newspaper. I brought the page into my room, sat down on my floor, and began reading. When my father appeared in the door and simply said, “Reading the comics?” I started to panic. I had been caught. I had been found out. But what was I even trying to hide? What was so scary that something as innocuous as wanting to read the Sunday comics, and acting on this, felt scandalous?

I think this incident and the many others like it are indicative of a deeper fear that is present in many members of society these days, which is the fear of being seen as sincere or earnest, and being perceived and known. If people see you expressing a sincere interest in something, they now know something about you. This is what produces the sense of being found out: you have been caught caring.

This is reflected online in the form of aesthetics like “numb girl” and “lobotomy chic” making the rounds. This idealized detachment makes not caring look cool and fashionable and makes numbness into a beauty ideal. In tandem with this, many people have noticed that actors don’t “act” as much in current films and TV shows, that is, they don’t move their faces as much as they used to. There was also a trend a while back where some women online were training themselves to not move their face muscles as a technique to reduce aging. I think these things are concerning because they encourage us not to feel, or at least not to show it. Aging shows that you have lived and been impacted by things over time, powerful acting helps tell stories that move us, and making these things seem unfavorable discourages connection and emotion.

We’re also encouraged to be hyper-independent and convenient for one another, but this discourages leaning on each other in times of need, an action I believe is necessary to form close relationships. Phrases like “you don’t owe anyone anything,” while meant to be empowering, almost seem to leave out the possibility of genuinely caring relationships where, God forbid, people might actually want to go out of their way for the other person and don’t see every interaction as a transaction. It once again seems like we don’t want to be caught caring about each other. Perhaps we are very deeply scared of vulnerability.

I think this fear is detrimental. First off, by opening up to others or being unashamed about your interests and things you like, you can let others know that they are free to do the same around you. This is, once again, a key part of human connection, and something I fear we are losing. On a darker note, the more numb and detached we get, the less we are willing to feel empathy for each other. Empathy is essential during hard times, no matter how preferable it seems to detach completely. Moreover, encouraging being unfeeling discourages reacting to and speaking out about unjust things, because it makes empathy seem uncool and bad, or worse, unnecessary.

In the past few months, I have tried to become more comfortable and not get embarrassed just by being affected by or interested in something. Being “found out” feels scary, but people are almost certainly not paying attention as much as I think they are, and it doesn’t matter, because I would rather be true to myself and end up doing things and being around people that I actually resonate with. Sometimes it’s important to be found out in order to form a new friendship or discover something you have in common with another.