Whether it’s lattes with my friends, television with my sister, or a walk with my boyfriend, some of my favorite moments in life are those that I can share. The people in my life greatly enrich my existence. These people can truly make or break the human experience—that’s why loneliness universally cuts deeply.

This is why I find it so alarming to see the term “male loneliness epidemic” so frequently online. The concept can be easily recognized as a branch of the men’s mental health movement as somewhat of a byproduct of the silent suffering of men. In fact, I’d like to examine both of these concepts.

Men’s mental health has been a point of contention for some time now. It’s easy to see how our society can put men who are struggling mentally at a disadvantage. We do not value vulnerability or sensitivity, especially from men, which would make it difficult to seek help when necessary. However, as problematic as that can be, I don’t think that men are uniquely disadvantaged. I’ve noticed that the narrative is often that women have an easier time receiving help. It is probably true that women are better able to take the first step of being vulnerable because vulnerability is seen as a feminine trait. It might be easier for a woman to exercise her sensitivity because the world will see her as something weak either way. 

Additionally, the mainstream outlook on mental illness is very limited. Mental illness is much more debilitating than bad moods, yet this is the only aspect that I see regularly discussed. According to the Office of the Assistant Secretary of Health, women go an average of four years with PTSD symptoms before being diagnosed, whereas, on average, men get a diagnosis after a year. 

Of course, the struggles of men are real. I would just like to refute any claims that women somehow have easier experiences in the world of mental health. The reality is that it is difficult for all people, just in different ways. I don’t see any issue with men advocating for their mental health. In fact, I am in favor of this movement when it doesn’t undermine the struggles of others. Men should try to dismantle the social forces that punish them for feeling emotions.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen these ideas used to perpetuate misogyny. All too often, I hear men bringing up, for example, the male suicide rate in response to women sharing stories about sexual violence. While suicide is always an important topic, the conversation feels disingenuous when it only occurs in response to somebody else sharing a negative experience. 

The conclusions that I’ve reached about male loneliness are similar. The consensus seems to be that men are suffering alone and women have coldly ignored this. There are ties here to the “blackpill” or “incel” community. These groups attribute their problems to their inability to find girlfriends, which doesn’t lay a good framework in the event that they ever do start dating. The idea of male loneliness in pop-incel spaces is extremely centered on female companionship, with almost no conversations related to male friendships. In short, women are blamed for men’s loneliness. In that regard, incels miss what could be the key to genuine fulfillment. Singleness does not have to mean loneliness, but for some, misogyny gets in the way of realizing this. Ironically, if these individuals focused on becoming well rounded instead of spreading sexist rhetoric, they would probably be able to find someone to love. The loneliness becomes self-inflicted after a few rounds of this cycle.

I would like to add that male loneliness is a real issue because loneliness is prevalent for most of us in a post-COVID world. That’s also why I find it particularly predatory when extreme incel ideologies appeal to the emptiness that many are currently experiencing.

The takeaway is that these issues shouldn’t be used as a free pass to be bitter towards women. There are ways to advocate for the holistic well-being of men without putting down the struggles of women. If these problems are to be solved, there will need to be radical reform to the way we view femininity, platonic relationships, and so much more. Currently, the “male loneliness epidemic” seems to be spreading like a real epidemic, from online conversation to online conversation, and unfortunately, it makes everyone suffer.